Briefcase on the Kitchen Table

I would like to reiterate before this post that this blog is not about getting preachy with marriage advice. I have only been married for a year and a half and, while we have overcome some obstacles already, I can think of few things more annoying than a young, newly-married young woman who is still sitting squarely in the honeymoon stage handing out oh-so-wise marital advice. With that said, I just want to share something that has worked for Ave and I for close to nine years together; some of these may work for you, others may not. Avery and I came up with rules right when we started dating about how to handle the occasional disagreement. For us, they have led to a very happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.

Rule #1- Trust is Key

I trust my husband 100%, 125% if it were possible. Avery and I agree that this trust is the backbone to our relationship and without it, there is a good chance all of the cards would come tumbling down. We have both vowed to one another to be honest with each other; lies will never be a part of this relationship, because they often become the third bedfellow, wedged right in between you and your spouse. This may seem obvious, and for the “big” things it usually is. However, how often has your significant other suspected that something was wrong and asked and you responded that everything was fine? That moment needed honesty, despite frustration, because otherwise whatever is going on can’t actually be worked through.

Rule #2- We are not a Jerry Springer show

Many of us have witnessed at one time in our lives what television tells us a passionate relationship is about; it is about screaming and cursing at one another and then making up. Avery and I don’t subscribe to this idea. Any conversation between the two of us, no matter how much we disagree, should never include yelling or foul language. Using either does not lead to resolution, it only makes the walls go up.

Rule #3- It doesn’t matter if it seems silly

For all of us, there are things that come up in our minds that we try to talk ourselves out of. Little, nagging thoughts that, although we tell ourselves they shouldn’t bother us, they do. Even if we tell ourselves it is silly and we don’t need to discuss it with our significant other, often times these are the thoughts and feelings that, because they are not addressed, grow in to something much larger and more destructive. So our our general rule is if there is something that is bugging or frustrating one of us regarding the other, it needs to be addressed. Simply, if something doesn’t feel right, get it out on the table.

Rule #4- No bait, no ransom

There are things that are special such as kisses, hugs, etc. between two people. These things are never to be used as bait to end a discussion/disagreement prematurely nor are they to be held for ransom so that one side can get their way. That is playing dirty ball.

Rule #5- No leaving until the job is done

This is an important rule for us because I tend to be a “runner”. What I mean is that when things are high-tension I tend to want to walk away from them. Avery and I agreed early on that if we are disagreeing about something and need to come to a resolution, neither person is allowed to end the conversation until both of us feel that the issue has been fully resolved. Walking out means giving up and there is no giving up allowed (and that means absolutely NO hanging up on each other either). If that means staying up until 2 in the morning just talking; fine. I guarantee the four hours of sleep you get after the cathartic effect of knowing all is well will be much better than the eight you get while stewing.

So that it is; those are our rules. I can honestly say that Avery and I have never gotten into a “fight” and I think it is because of these. Sure, we disagree from time to time, but it never goes beyond a disagreement. I will note, part of this may be that neither Avery nor I are particularly confrontational people. Additionally, I know that each other’s happiness is more important to each of us than our own, which is an integral component in resolving any potential conflict. For us, having these rules and sticking to them makes it so that the vast, vast amount of our relationship is spent bringing one another happiness, not gearing up for a fight.