Briefcase on the Kitchen Table

So this weekend we are heading to Greencastle, IN for an alumni dinner for Avery’s fraternity. Avery is super excited and frankly, I am too. We are going to get to see some of our very closest friends and Avery will get to see some of the men he spent four years with.

Leading up to this weekend, it made me think about friendships and spouses. Avery has his best friends, I have mine, and then we have “our” friends, such as our church friends, who are equally close to Avery and I. This is not to say that I am not close to some of Avery’s friends; some of the men Avery met through his fraternity I now consider some of my closest friends, people I can see after more than a year yet feel like no time has passed at all. It is the same with Avery; I know he cares deeply about the women I count as my very best friends.

However, I have noticed recently as more and more people around me pair-off with their life-long partners that there seems to be a purging of the “non-couple” friends; the friends who aren’t paired off or friends who are only close to one of the members of the couple. I don’t get this, not one bit. It is fun to have friends who are equally close to both partners, don’t get me wrong. But, just like many other things in a marriage, some things have to be just for you, not shared. It is my hair-brained theory that having these things, especially in friendships, actually makes you a better spouse or partner than a partnership in which everything is equally shared and equally close.

If I think of my closest friendships (outside of my family and husband) I really believe that the fuel I get from these friendships makes me a better wife. I cannot imagine not tending these friendships because they are more “mine” than “ours”. Especially because I know Avery loves how happy these friendships make me and these friends love how much Avery loves me. Additionally, I think it is important to have a spouse who is secure enough to not feel threatened by these friendships. Your spouse should know that they are priority #1 (make sure you are doing the work on your end to ensure this) but, as long as that is happening, independent friendships should be encouraged.

There are too many little things in these friendships that I would never be willing to give up. Like knowing exactly how Kate S. takes her fountain Coke. Like knowing Nancy is coming by the warm sound of her laugh. Like knowing there is something wrong just by the tone of Kate M’s one-word “hello”. Like knowing that if we get around anything Katie is allowed to climb, off she will go. Like crying when Lizz told me she was pregnant. Like catching Emily’s eye and knowing that some serious shenanigans are about to happen.

Avery loves these women because of what they bring to my life, and I love Avery’s friends because of what they bring in to his life. And we love “our friends” who know us as a couple and whom we hang-out with together. These friendships work because there is a security that goes along with them; a “non-compete” with my marriage. Marriages and friendships are not on opposite sides of the boxing ring, the are two pillars in the pyramid holding you up and bringing out the best in you.

So this weekend I will see some very close friends as Avery sees some of his friendship-soul-mates. I will love seeing his so happy as he is surrounded by these people who care so much for “us” and especially so much for him.