Briefcase on the Kitchen Table

It has been years since I have revisited this blog. When I began writing it I was 23 years old, newly married, a first year law school student, and loved this form of a public diary through which to document life. As often happens, the speed of life picks up and responsibilities accumulate in a way that makes time for writing scant. At my last post we were a family of four- we are now a family of six. Our most recent (and final) baby and documenting our lives has become hastily taken photos that are kept in every-increasing cloud storage until some day when all four tiny humans operate more autonomously. I can picture myself having time to organize and print all of the photos and memories and looking at them pining for the days of non-stop work and care.

Suddenly I am on this side of motherhood, a new season when having more kids is no longer the focus, now it is raising good humans. I LOVE pregnancy- the magic of it, the wonder that is carrying a baby. And ever since giving birth to Sam I have been afraid to arrive at this moment, the moment of knowing we would not have any more. What would it feel like? Would it feel like I am without purpose? And while there are some tugs of nostalgia knowing I won’t ever again feel that anticipation that is unlike any other I can honestly say I would not want to do it again. And what a privilege that is, to feel complete, to feel like your family has landed right where the universe intended you to land. Growing our family has been a wonder but it has also taken great effort. Small babies bring joy but also restriction and while we have certainly chosen this I am aware that our eldest kiddos- Sam and Hazel- likely want us to go and do things that are not constrained by the schedule of OB/GYN visits, birth windows, and postpartum periods. And I am excited about that freedom too. Somehow, after knowing I always wanted to be a mother, I am here in the thick of motherhood. I have become more flexible than I thought possible, can survive on less sleep than I could conceive of, and hold more love in my heart than I knew could fit. In the deep middle of the night, when a child wanders in after a bad dream and they climb into our bed I am so grateful for how I feel them relax as soon as they are nestled in my arms. I am not sad to no longer be carrying my babies because in so many more important ways, I still am. This side of motherhood is exhausting and challenging and scary and fun and silly and heartbreaking and so, so, so filled with love and it is privilege to exist here.