Briefcase on the Kitchen Table

I’ve always had a large but tight circle of friends. I have been fortunate throughout my life to create meaningful friendships at every stage. High school, college, law school, first job, first move, and now where we are putting down our own family roots. I have always found particular joy in keeping these friendships going even when my physical location changes. Phone calls, Marco Polos, social media messaging, texting, Facetime calls, even the occasional hand written letter and whenever possible, visits. All the way through college and law school and a move from St. Louis to Lafayette and then from Lafayette to Danville, the time, effort, and resources put into these friendships that I consider to be fundamental to my life has been a top priority. And then we had children.

I wish I could say that even after having four babies in six years, even after buying a home and maintaining it lovingly, even after finding an incredibly fulfilling job, even after continuing to pour into my sweet husband, even after working to maintain relationships with family who are all far away, even after kids’ school and homework and swim lessons and play dates, even after, even after, even after- I wish I could say that even after all of that I have found the balance that still allows me to put the time, effort, and resources into the amount of contact I would like to have with my friends but it has not. I shoot off a late night text messages or send a voice memo and so many of them start with “sorry for my late reply” or “I am so sorry I missed your call” like a reliable opening chorus. My friends’ texts and voicemails often start the same way. And I wonder how we got here.

At the end of the day I am a ladies’ lady. My female friendships and relationships bring me so much strength and joy but these days it comes with a fair dose of guilt- the cliche experience of any 30-something woman who feels like there aren’t enough hours in a day. Every time I am late to respond or can’t listen to a voicemail for five days I fear that this is the time that I will have waited too long, that I have somehow sent the message that this person is not important. And that would be a fair feeling- how can someone be that important if you can’t even respond to a text for days or call back for weeks? I know the simple response is that at the end of the day it is all about priorities. But I think it is also about something other than just priorities- I think it is about what is present.

Priorities are a privilege. To have a moment of free time to collect your thoughts and create a mental list of what needs touched first is a privilege. What I have found in this chaos-filled moment that I am living in is that often all I can do at any given moment is provide what the present moment itself demands. Who needs fed? Doesn’t she have a doctor’s appointment this week? Do swim lessons start next weekend or this weekend? We need to get a present for that birthday party. The bathroom needs cleaned again. The baby sounds stuffy. The oldest two are in a fight. That brief needs filed. That jury trial is coming up. We need to talk to the builder about a repair on the wall. Do dishes. Throw in a load of laundry. Respond to a work email. Try to give my husband a quick kiss before falling into bed. And that’s when it hits me- I went another full day without responding to that text that is intentionally waiting unread in my messages, a hope that the bright red notification sign will spur me into remembering that the message is there, to make it present enough that in a quiet moment sitting in a pediatrician waiting room or at courtroom table, I will see that red dot and have a second to read and respond to it.

I know what this has meant for my friends- in so many ways I have disappeared. We are able to catch up every few months via a quick phone call or through sporadic bi-weekly text messages, a highlight reel rather than the day-in-and-day-out that I used to get and love so much, but that is all I am capable of right now. I want to be able to do more but there just isn’t more to give. And, tapping into that worn out old chorus, I am sorry about that. I know I have disappeared into this chapter of exploding growth that hits many people at this age. Whether it is growing a career, growing a family, growing a home, growing a relationship with aging parents, self growth- I know many women who feel stretched by the daily demands of this chapter of life. The harder thing to explain is as much as I miss the friendships, I wouldn’t change anything about how I spend my 24 hours in a day right now. I know I am not owed patience or understanding if you are not getting what you need out of this relationship as well, but in the off chance that you understand how underwater it all feels maybe, at the very least, there is some commiseration in that? Because I have finally opened and closed enough chapters in life to know this one too will come to an end and we will look back and wonder how the time went so fast. Please, if you can, wait for me. And meet me on the other side.