Briefcase on the Kitchen Table

Let me preface by saying, if you are looking here for a funny married-life story for this week, feel free to continue perusing the limitless Internet; it is time for a good old fashioned, social diagnostic, rant. And it’s about Facebook.

Here’s my gripe; why are there so many people my age using Facebook to say things that if they were in an actual room with someone, they would never say? I find that these irritating status updates fit in several categories.

1) The Overly Aggressive status
We all were fortunate enough to see many of these types of statuses following the healthcare decision by the Supreme Court. Now there were some entertaining ones (such as “Justice Roberts is my homeboy”), some thoughtful ones (“I don’t agree with the healthcare plan, but I hope we can actually move forward on to other important topics instead of working backwards”) and some just plain ignorant ones (“I am moving to Canada” [where they have socialized healthcare]). But then there were the overly aggressive ones. The “Barack Hussein Obama is a terrorist” or, my personal favorite, ” we are in Nazi Germany”. First off, such comparisons are ridiculous and highly offensive. Possibly more importantly though is that I am sure most of the people who wrote such things would never dare to say it out loud to another person. Facebook is not a thought streaming exercise. Just because an offensive, ignorant, or inappropriate thought comes into your mind does not mean you need to post in on Facebook.

2) The Overly dramatic status
Put simply, we do not speak like Shakespeare or Jane Austin on a daily basis. One way to avoid this? Look at the number of adjectives in your status, and if you have more than three, cut that number in half. I am not on Facebook to see how majestic you think the stars are. We are all on there to stalk, snoop, and spy. That is all.

3) The Passive Aggressive status
We have all seen these. The “don’t you hate it when people talk about you behind your back?” posts. If you have a problem with someone, talk to them about it. Do not make passive aggressive jabs at them on Facebook. It’s immature.

4) The attention seeking status
Not to be confused with the passive aggressive status, this status is not directed towards one specific person but instead at anyone on Facebook who will take the bait. This is becoming a more popular status by the minute. The “why do I feel like love is slipping away” type status. If you have this question, grab a bottle of wine (or two), your best girlfriend, and a comfy couch. Looking for attention on Facebook through such vague and pleading statuses won’t actually make you feel better.

5) The bragging status
Even I (when I was younger) would catch myself doing these. The type of status has a simple rule; if you took all of your Facebook friends and put them in a room and walked in to that room and said “let me tell you how awesome I am for a minute” there is nothing about that which would be socially appropriate. This does not mean everything; getting engaged, graduating, having a baby, etc. are all fantastic news to share and there is nothing braggy about sharing (as this is all news you would share with someone face to face). However, if you feel it would be socially awkward (which it would) to walk up to someone and say “I would like to tell you how awesome my grades are real quick”, then don’t put it on Facebook. You think you are awesome. Got it. Go throw yourself a party then.

So there’s my rant. We need some etiquette people. Facebook is a great tool but should not mean we throw out all rules of social grace and courtesy. If you feel like it would be awkward to say to my face, don’t make me read it on Facebook.