Briefcase on the Kitchen Table

For this post, I asked one of my sisters to do a guest post. The thoughts she poured out are below. Reading through it made me remember something the pastor who married Avery and I said to us during one of our pre-marital counseling session; he told us that one thing that many people overlook when preparing for a wedding is that such a big life moment, such a huge change, comes with a range of emotions. While happiness, joy, and excitement are the emotions at the forefront, the rest of the range exists as well. And it should. It is a change and with all change comes fear for the unknown, sadness from knowing things won’t ever quite be the same, an isolation from not knowing where you fit in the new equation. This was my twin sister’s journey figuring out what it all meant. It is beautiful and it is complex. Most importantly, it starts and finishes with love. Enjoy. 

Almost 2 years ago now I had the honor and extreme pleasure of being an integral part of my twin sister’s wedding planning process. It was fun, and crazy, and sometimes stressful, and incredibly rewarding. As a professional event planner myself I was fully prepared for the details, organization, emails, phone calls, and overall management. What I was less prepared for was the onslaught of emotion that accompanied the event. However, to truly get a glimpse into my psyche for this particular occasion you will need a little history.

Christine and I were born 2 minutes apart with me emerging into the world first. We had a wonderful childhood and were connected at the hip. We didn’t dress identically most days (thank you, thank you, thank you Mom) and while we were one another’s constant companion, we both had other friends and play dates as well. As we grew older we discovered different things that we excelled at and supported one another through. Christine was in the front row for every voice recital, and I never missed a chance to watch her argue someone to their knees in Debate Club. We ran with a similar group of friends, and commuted to school together every day in our shared vehicle. We are, and always have been, fiercely supportive of one another. She knows me better than I know myself most days and is still one of my primary sources of advice and perspective. Jealousy and competition have never been much a part of our relationship which I attribute nearly entirely to incredible parenting and the unconditional love we have for one another.

Well, now that the mushy pretext is out of the way, I can get on with my tale. Christine and Avery dated all the way through high school, so he and I knew each other very well. Avery is, in fact, one of my very best friends. I’m lucky to be able to say I have a brother-in-law I adore. Seriously, I cannot say a bad word about the guy. Most people that know Christine and Avery will tell you this is the case about both of them. As you can imagine, there were a couple hundred people VERY excited to see these two get hitched! It was going to be a celebration of love and commitment in the truest form. No raised eyebrows, no whispers of disapproval, just joy.  A “well finally!” wedding as I like to call it. The bridal showers were great fun with friends and family from both sides of the church aisle getting to know one another. The bachelorette party was a bash unlike any before. Lakehouse + delicious cocktails + a whole weekend of giggles and conversation equated to the perfect escape just a few weeks before the big day.

Now, I mentioned that there was stress involved, but that was not on the part of the bride or groom. Both made it clear that while they had some fun ideas, so long as everyone had a good time, and they went home Mr. and Mrs. at the end of the day, then we were set! All-in-all it was a very low stress affair.  The only stress was the usual last minute rush of pulling together some details.

The night before the big day we had a beautiful rehearsal and dinner. Seeing both my sister and Ave choke up as they thanked everyone for being there had us all in tears. Gifts were handed out and then everyone headed to our house for some post-rehearsal carousing. Out of town guests met us there and we ate, drank, talked, and sat around the fire until it was far later than planned. I gave some instructions to those helping to decorate the reception hall in the morning and then it was time for bed. I slept in my sister’s room with her that night. It was funny now that I think about it. Christine’s room has always held the twin beds she and I graduated to when we were little girls still sharing a room. To sleep in my twin bed as she climbed into hers, situated the same as we were when we were only 5, felt natural and necessary the night before so much change. You’d think we would have stayed up late talking and reminiscing, but this was not the case.  It was late, I had an early wake up, and I heard her breathing slow and deepen soon after we turned out the lights, clearly content in that way only love provides. I lay there for a few quiet moments thinking about the next day and its implications, and slowly the first and slightest twinges of loss crept into my soul. I was thrilled beyond belief for the love Christine and Avery found in one another, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to give her up. I liked living in the same house, swapping clothes and advice on a daily basis. Who was going to curl her hair the way she likes for a big event? Who would lay in bed with me to discuss our family and friends? Who would have packed me a sandwich because she already knew I would be running a little late? Who would give me a look from across the room and know everything I was thinking? I quickly shut this dialog off, or at least turned down the volume. I ran through a to-do list once more in my head, and then I drifted off to sleep.

A seeming blink of a moment later and my alarm was blaring next to my head. Christine, who is world’s lightest sleeper, of course woke up as well. She looked at me and grinned. I quickly got up and ready, and checked in with her before leaving. A kiss on the forehead and a note that said “You get married today!” were left for her, and I was out the door. A busy 2 hours later and myself and amazing crew of friends and family had the hall looking beautiful. The collection of more than 400 glass pieces, mirrors, and candles would look beautiful that evening. I checked with the caterer, made sure the hall manager was getting everything cooled down and ready, and it was back to the house where hairspray, makeup, giggles and squeals met me at the door. The bridesmaids were all there primping and preparing with Christine in the middle of it all.

The next hours of the day were a complete whirlwind. I did Christine’s hair and makeup, squeezed in a little time to get myself ready and then we were headed to the church. Christine rode next to me and I tried not to ask her “how are you feeling?” every few minutes, but I so wanted to know. I couldn’t relate to her in this moment, had no basis to understand what she was experiencing. Next thing I knew we were dressed and it was go time. As I watched the church doors open and Christine and my dad come down the aisle, as they say, my cup runneth over. I was so filled with joy for these two people I love to ends of the earth. Songs were sung and vows were spoken. You felt the entire congregation choke up as my sister did when she got to call Avery her husband. A couple hundred pictures later and we were at the reception. It was perfect. The food was great, the DJ right on cue, and the couple beaming. Toasts were made, dances danced, and cake cut. A blur of color and candlelight and the happy couple was making their exit into the drizzly night. I stood, slightly dazed, just inside the doors to the hall.  I helped my family pack everything up and we went to my aunt and uncle’s house for some pizza and time together. I sat curled up on the couch, confused by how I felt. I felt happy, and sad, and nervous and confused all at once. I chocked it up to exhaustion and headed home to sleep, suddenly very aware of the fact that my sister was not in the other bed.

I slept peacefully, happy with how everything had gone. When I woke I felt strange. I cannot explain it even now, but I felt like something was missing, more important than an arm or a leg. Something I could not quite put my finger on.  The wedding party was coming over for brunch and gift opening so I readied myself for company. People started to arrive and I sat quietly by the window awaiting the arrival of my other half, sure that would squelch this odd feeling I was having. And then she and Avery pulled into the drive and walked through the door. I hugged her, and felt no relief. Where did I fit in here? Christine and I had always been each other’s person, the person. But now she had a husband, one I loved dearly, but I couldn’t figure out how it would all add up. I felt as I imagine an extra puzzle piece would should two of the same piece happen to be packed into the same box. My piece was left on the table next to the puzzle, but not attached to it. I knew I belonged in the picture, but I couldn’t see how I fit.

We opened gifts and the wedding party slowly trickled out. Eventually it was just our two families doing all we could to delay the eventual sendoff.  We had moved the majority of Christine and Avery’s worldly possessions to their awaiting St. Louis apartment a few weeks before. They would be moving to St. Louis officially immediately following the brunch. Our group of parents, sisters and brothers walked them out to the car. Kisses and hugs and off they went. I milled around the main floor of our house for a bit and then went up to my room and climbed in bed. I stayed there for much of the day. My Aunt Chrissy checked in on me that evening when she stopped by the house. She assured me it was okay to be sad. But I couldn’t wrap my head around this concept. I love Avery and Christine, and had been wanting them to get married for years. Why oh why would it ever be okay to be sad?!

I made it to work the next day and drifted through my duties. Returning home that evening I went straight to my room again. I knew something was wrong, something was off. I knew that Christine and I would still always be us and that we would figure out a new and fun relationship despite the distance. I truly was not worried that I was losing my sister, so why did I feel this way? I would’ve sworn there was a hole right through my middle large enough to throw a small planet through. I had promised myself I wouldn’t call Christine. Though they were having to delay their official honeymoon until December, they deserved time to settle in as a couple and just enjoy each other. I tried every remedy I could think of. Writing, singing, thinking, distraction, prayer, nothing was helping.  Finally, I picked up my phone and dialed my other half.

“Stay composed, stay composed” I said like a mantra in my head as the phone rang. And then she picked up and I just couldn’t. I was a blubbery mess. It’s a miracle she didn’t assume someone had died the way I probably sounded. I blurted out quickly everything in my head. “I’m so sorry to call, I know I shouldn’t have, I promised myself I wouldn’t, but I just didn’t know what else to do. I can’t figure out what’s wrong, I feel like a zombie. I love you guys and I’m so glad you got married so I cannot figure out why I feel this way. I’m so sorry I called. I’m so sorry I called.”

And then, my dear friend and sister, my other half in both spirit and biology, said the only thing that could’ve possibly helped. “Why didn’t you call sooner?” And we both laughed, and we both cried. She scolded me for not calling sooner. We assured one another that we were still us. And then we proceed to discussing the options for coffee mug placement in her new kitchen. And just like that the wound was healed. A scar was certainly left behind but it is a scar I’m thankful for every day. It reminds me to never hesitate to call, no matter what. It is a constant reminder of the deep and unbreakable love I have for my twin.

I will never know for sure what exactly made me feel the way I did. Was it her getting married? Maybe it was her moving? Maybe it was the post-event let down that takes place after most things one has been planning for months? I suspect it was all of these things. What I do know is that it was an experience that splayed open my soul in a way I didn’t know was possible. I promise I’m not trying to be melodramatic. I’ve experienced tragedy and loss and this experience was entirely different than that. Not worse, just different. I felt as though I was seeing a deeper part of myself, a bond I wasn’t fully aware of up until that point.

So what’s our relationship like now? Fun and beautiful in so many ways. We love catching up on the phone (daily) and visiting one another as often as we can. Returning home for the holidays has taken on new meaning. Having both moved from our hometown we are what I now call “un-twinned”. Twins are nearly always grouped together in title. We were “The Walker Twins” to many who have known us. Now, in our day-to-day lives, our twin-ness does not come up. This makes visits especially fun as we have regained the ability to startle people for a moment upon meeting the other half of “The Walker Twins” for the first time.

So thank you to my incredibly dear sister. You are the other half of my heart in a way I did not fully understand until 2 years ago. Here’s to many more phone calls, skype dates, emails, random text messages, sad goodbyes, and countdowns to visits. Thank you for letting me be so a part of you and Avery’s lives. And to those of you getting ready to see a sister wed or move – pick up that extra pack of tissues for the big day, and know you are not alone.