Briefcase on the Kitchen Table

The adult leader’s attitude will be the most important factor in deciding what activities my children do

Out eldest, Samuel, is 6 and preparing to enter 1st grade. Up until now we have had the kids in some extracurricular activities but nothing too intense. All of them have taken swim lessons at the local YMCA and the two eldest have played Pee Wee baseball. We have done youth soccer, martial arts, and gymnastics. There has been dance and church based extras like VBS. We are finally at the age though where, for some of their interests, our 4 and 6 year olds are both asking to do more beyond the 30 minute or 6 week introductory lessons. In true Type-A fashion this resulted in me assembling a catalogue of possibilities for our area. I printed off information for dance classes, sports leagues, music lessons, theater class, Scouting, and more. The other night after the kids went to bed Avery and I started discussing the different options and asking the questions that all parents ask at this juncture; what’s the schedule for this activity? Does it make their plate too full? What is the cost? Will it leave time for them to just be a kid? Will it be too demanding of time and attention for the two youngest girls? How do we explain that they are going to have to make some choices, that we can’t sign up for everything?

There are some activities that inherently scared me at one time because of their intensity. I will qualify this by saying I did not grow up in a family that did all-consuming competitive activities as children. There was no travel ball, no dance team with traveling competitions, and my high school didn’t even have a marching band. Because of this all I know about some of the activities is the cliches; the intensity of Dance Moms, the ump-screaming antics of travel ball parents, the 10 hour days of marching band kids. But from everything we printed out, even in our relatively small community, there are reasonable options for nearly any kind of activity my kids would want to do and we as the parents can provide the balance on selecting the time demand. While we were perusing though I realized there is a factor that I can’t see on any pamphlet but is top-of-mind for me- what is the emotional intelligence of the adult in charge of this activity?

There were activities that I poured myself into as a kid. There was a day camp I attended that I absolutely loved. During high school speech and debate season was my absolute favorite and I think provided many of the skills I use in my job today. I loved being in theater productions both on and off stage. All of these were fulfilling and cultivated natural passions and abilities. Importantly, they were also led by truly remarkable adults who balanced lessons of work ethic, craftsmanship, and self confidence with a keen understanding of what makes kids, kids.

I also started playing saxophone in the 3rd grade so by middle school I was quite proficient. I attended an arts program for elementary and middle school so starting in 6th grade there were ample opportunities to use my musical skills. Middle school contained theater and choir as well but the dictating force in my life was the saxophone. The band director in middle school was a super intense, incredibly gifted musician. She poured every moment of her life into cultivating a large and extremely competitive instrumental music program. There were different tiers of bands, orchestras, jazz bands, and jazz combos that you could be part of. For every musical group 11 and 12 year olds would compete for 1st chair of a particular instrumental section. I am a classic millennial eldest sister type so I have always had an unhealthy desire to be told I am doing a good job and to say yes to every opportunity. By the end of middle school I was in band, orchestra, and jazz combo. I also learned to play the baritone saxophone and played in the elite jazz band at the school. In order to maintain my top-spot skills I took private lessons every week and practiced at home in our sun room. Band and Orchestra met during regular school hours but practices for Jazz Band and Jazz Combo took place in the afternoons and evenings after school. On the weekends were jazz and ISSMA competitions. We traveled to Texas, my first time ever one a plane, to attend a jazz competition as the only middle school competing against High School and College groups. We picked up gigs on the weekends to play at special events around town and every year in the Spring we spent several weekends at a recording venue putting together that year’s CD, all of which I still own. My parents selflessly ran me all over to practices and lessons and gigs. They paid for the instrument tuneups and the private instructors. When I had to set up my baritone saxophone they would help me lug the case, the size of a small refrigerator, into the building and then I would assemble it and set it on the ground; my middle school stature not tall enough to let it stay suspended off of my neck like the high schoolers. I think those years taught me a great deal of discipline and musical acuity. I also think they taught me what a truly pernicious adult looks like.

My band instructor was, truly, brilliant. And she pushed. But she also screamed, a lot. Out of frustration she would rap her baton so hard on the music stand in front of her it would snap into pieces and go flying across the room. She would run her hands through her hair and power walk across the room to kids to yell about tempo or pitch. And like all toxic relationships, most of her students so desperately wanted accolades from her that they would pour themselves into practice rooms for hours until they had sores in their mouth or on their hands from playing so much. The first time I saw Whiplash I wondered if J.K. Simmon’s character was modeled after my petite, curly haired middle school band teacher. To be clear- she never did anything that would be considered abuse like it shows in that movie. But I can sit here now as an adult, and an adult who works with kids most days, and say that her behavior was not acceptable nor healthy.

By high school I was so burned out on the saxophone I played it only in regular band which met during normal school hours and that was it. My parents were supportive; I hadn’t ever felt pressured by them to continue on the musical path. That pressure in middle school was the perfect cocktail of a people pleasing personality, an adolescent brain, and a toxic adult. I don’t think I ever even said anything to my parents about the instructor’s tantrums and melodramatics because she was still the person I wanted to make happy. It was clear to me even as a kid that when any of the parents encountered her energy- which was eccentric and zany and chaotic- it was chalked up as “artistic” and therefore not detrimental. The couple of times that she would act out in front of other adults (not my parents) it was written off as part of the price to get the results that she consistently achieved. Her volatility was dismissed as the cost of getting the privilege to breathe in her artistic genius. The fact that she made me anxious when she walked into a room wasn’t a factor.

I know that I am delivering this in a weird moment in the swing of the “child’s activity” pendulum. It feels like there is a constant tension between the two extremes- that we don’t require enough of children (aka, the campaign against participation trophies) and that applying too much pressure to children is bad for their young minds (why the overbearing coach Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms is almost universally perceived as the villain of the story). Our family is trying to fall somewhere in the middle. Our kids can each choose one or two activities so long as there are still some evenings and weekend days left unscheduled for the family. They can try anything from sports to arts to extra academic pursuits. Anything they sign up for they don’t have to repeat in the future but they do have to see the session or season through to the end. However, now, sitting here as a emotionally well-regulated adult who believes in balance and maturity (and the value of a good therapist), the one thing that will prevent me from signing my child up for an activity that they want to try or will cause me to pull my child out mid-session is if I find out that the adult leading the program can’t find it in themselves to act like an adult. Part of being a grown up means keeping a healthy perspective- there is no kids’ extracurricular activity on the planet that warrants the damage done by scaring, intimidating or degrading a child. I know that my children will encounter many different types of people who behave many different types of ways out in the world but that is different. In our home we do not scream, we do not curse, we do not throw things. We do not display that behavior for our children not only because it would set a bad example but also because we know empirically that level of volatility is bad for a child’s brain and emotional health. Don’t get me wrong, we are far from perfect parents. There are moments that we snap or raise our voices more than we mean to. The difference is we acknowledge immediately the wrongness, apologize, do better. We never approach it as just the way things are. I refuse to work hard at demonstrating emotional accountability for my children and then drop them off weekly to an adult who gives it no value.

Alas, that element is always missing from the activity website and pamphlets. It will require me certainly to be involved and be present. It will require us to get referrals and ask about past experiences of other parents. As we begin our “school age” child journey I have gotten to witness friends’ children engage happily in activities that one time intimidated me- I have seen children find such confidence, fulfillment, and balance while participating in dance teams, marching band, and travel sports. Once you determine as a family what is right for your schedule and pocket book the most important factor seems to be the approach of the adult leading that activity. Honestly I don’t think my parents even knew to ask what my middle-school band instructor was like behind closed doors and we have always enjoyed a very good and open relationship. My own experience did teach me that I will likely have to talk to my kids directly about adult behavior before they go into an activity where either Avery or I are not present. And we have to know now that even if it is far into the activity- at a tech rehearsal for a show or a big tournament game, if my kid’s instructor starts behaving in a way that is not appropriate we will have to break our child’s heart and pull them out of the activity. If I expect my children to be accountable for their behaviors what am I teaching them if the adults in their lives don’t have to be accountable? The saying in our house is “feelings aren’t a choice but behaviors and actions are.”

I still love to listen to jazz music, especially the saxophone. And I honestly hope that my former band instructor has found peace 25 years on. I think this season of watching my kids’ find their passions will be so much fun but it is on us to make sure that the adults surrounding the activity don’t get carried away.